boxfullofzeroes | voicetest the voiceless

voicetest the voiceless

They're not dead.

Less dead than they'd felt, at least. Their shell doesn't normally take so long to reform.

Then again. Their shell doesn't usually break of their own violation as they ascended in a boiling rage, ate at least one realm, a god, and all the Godseekers.

(That last point is debatable, actually. There's some odd sense, deep under their...shell? Void? Wherever they once stored things like Isma's Tear, much deeper now...that the sea-mind is still there, sluggish and held in a stasis. They're already adjusting enough, and they don't seem to be dying or trying to kill them, so that problem is neatly sorted as 'for later'.)

They push their body to stand. Their horn clangs uncomfortably loudly against the grate they've apparently woken up beneath. They're somewhere in the Royal Waterways. A quick check of the map--or, not so quick, as it takes time to locate where it had been--shows they've risen about halfway through, closer to the City of Tears than the White Palace. They'll go to the Stag Station in the City Storerooms next.

So they think. Complications arise on the way.

The Infection is gone, leaving dead Flukes, Pilflips, and Hwurmps in piles enough it takes time to force their way past. Their body seems too small. No, their body is fine--there's something wrong with perception itself. That will take time to adjust to.

Then, they discover the Monarch Wings now stretch and warp when used, twisting around the nearest pipes after landing before the Knight forcibly calls them back. Shade Wings, they decide to call these.

Once they're high enough to hear the rain above, they realize a noise they'd ascribed to water running in the distance is, in fact, something swirling behind their mask. Many somethings. All the fragments of Siblings with enough self left, staring out from their eyes. It's disconcerting.

By the time they actually get out of the Waterways, they're using their Shade Wings to grip ledges and drag themselves up, with those holding onto things better than their own arms are with the Mantis Claw.

The Knight faceplants awkwardly onto the floor of the building Lemm's shop is in. If the City is the same as below, there's little left to try killing them in the area.

They'll just take a moment here, thanks.

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There are many shapes they consider Delicate Flowers here. Those get set in their own pile, which quickly grows into multiple. A few are scribbled out so badly they can't hope to decipher a word no matter language skill, and those get their own to the side as well.

They unexpectedly discover a set of quills in a flat box hidden under one of the pillows, all fancy and long. They pull a particularly shiny rose-tinted one out to examine. Perhaps they'll keep a few of these.

After a few extra moments of blatantly admiring the writing utensils, they pause to stare in Lemm's direction. They don't think jumping from the hammock was particularly dramatic, though some of the papers on the bed's edges did flutter around quite nicely.

He just stares. And stares. Are they ignoring him? He taps the top edge of the paper against his mouth, fidgeting. They're just... carrying on. Maybe it meant nothing, or they didn't mean to write it.

Their writing, though - it's still not something he takes lightly, and they are always so careful.

Eventually they look up. There is no expression to read, and he didn't expect one. But he knows what total distraction looks like. This is also a thing they've shown him. They do not seem to be thinking about the same thing as he is, at all.

Lemm's mind is working very hard to produce absolutely nothing he can use. He sighs behind the hand-fan he's made of their note, and opts to be straightforward.

"Repeatedly died," he quotes directly. "That's exaggeration." Isn't it.

What, they think first. Why is he asking, does he not know?

And then: no. He doesn't know.

The Knight stops.

He doesn't know.

He's never killed them, or seen them killed directly. Not as Quirrel has, as Hornet has, and they've never told him. There was never an opportunity. He hasn't asked anything that would directly lead to their discussing one of their own deaths, and they'd avoided it intentionally, for the sake of their own pride.

They hadn't thought how much they wouldn't want Lemm to know for the sake of him.

In the end, they remember to move, and gesture in a half-shrug before blindly returning to the quill-box. A lie would be bitter and potentially discoverable. Giving it with a manner of casualness might help it go through more smoothly.

It's not so smooth. He doesn't know what to do with that.

Even as he reminds himself you're not supposed to sit there blankly thinking while someone is watching... he pretends to move on and picks through notes with only a performative level of effort.

Someone more adjusted might take the dismissal for a hint that they should stop prying. Lemm is not that someone and he makes a business of prying. He can't let it go.

"Spiritually, you mean," he reasons, over the top of a letter he isn't reading. "Stranger bugs have said something similar. I didn't take you for the metaphorical type."

They pick out each quill methodically. Put them in place as they are, organized somewhat by size, and switch them into short rows by color instead.

They do not use any of these new quills even as they produce a new paper.

Their writing shifts back to clinical. If a Vessel's mask is broken fully, they die. Some ~~with enough~~ are capable of drawing themselves back together, as I am. They had no chance to meet any of those vessels, but their Siblings hold the memories of a few. They didn't last more than one or two falls before losing the will to try again. The Knight can't blame them. The Abyss is no place to keep going. A hostile Shade is left where the death occurred. The rest wakes up elsewhere. Likely in an area deemed subconsciously safe.

The way through the Queen's Gardens was particularly challenging.

Edited 2022-12-12 01:42 (UTC)

Lemm isn't even pretending to be doing something else any more, just coming to stand over the Knight and read over their shoulder. They are writing again which means he is about to learn something interesting about their personal philosophy -

- no he isn't. This is not metaphor, it's too straightforward.

Lemm is troubled. As anyone would be. He takes a little while to mull over what they've just told him.

A hostile Shade. Like Greenhorn? No, more importantly, dying and coming back... Impossible. But it's not the first impossible thing you've heard lately that turned out to be true, is it?

There are cleverer questions he could ask, ones that might tell him more about the makeup of a Vessel or about the Knight's journey. Lemm is more interested in a simpler question:

"Does it hurt?"

Does it hurt? Does it hurt to get one's self cracked open and a little of it peeled away to hunt down in its mad grief and regret? Does it hurt to get their head chipped away until broken? Does it hurt.

Lemm doesn't mean insult by it. It's only a question, presented plainly.

No lie, no dropping a truth's full weight all at once. Perhaps never.

Still looking at the paper, past it, at the pretty quills, the Knight nods.

Yes? Yes, of course. He supposes that was a silly question. Sometimes you have to ask those, just in case the answer isn't what you expect.

He expected this one. Lemm is as slow as before to decide what to say, and it's as lightly observational as ever.

"And you tried... more than once. For Great Knight Ze'mer and her flowers."

It hurts to die and they kept at such a task regardless. Telling them they shouldn't have done it would be pointless and diminishing. Just because he would have quit while he was ahead doesn't mean a thing.

There's more he can glean from this, even if he is wary of how quiet they are.

"There are... Shades left all over the Gardens, then?" No, go back further, everything they've told him of their impossible history. "Over Hallownest? I've never seen one."

One Shade. If (short pause as they consider softening it, but there's a line between being calm and being coddlingly condescending) I died on the way back to it, there would be only the recent one to find. My capabilities with Soul would be markedly limited, and it was uncomfortable to be without it.

I'm unaware if I would produce only the one, become the Lord of Shades, or separate, if it's to happen again.

"It had better not happen again."

Troubling. Just... very troubling. An anxious feeling has been rising in his chest and he knows himself well enough to know this makes him snappy and rude. He proceeds with caution.

Concentrate on the subject, then. Was uncomfortable. Past tense.

"You found your way back to it, then, the last time you..." They had to revisit a place that must be dangerous by definition - to fetch a fragment of themselves they lost trying the first time. Noted. Does not feel great to note that, but noted. "And it's... hostile."

...Lemm backtracks on that one.

"Hostile?"

I am stronger than I was, and Hallownest is far more lacking in raging husks. It's not a promise. They don't expect much left to best them, but that doesn't mean there's nothing. They know well they're their own worst enemy in leaping headfirst into deadly situations.

A nod.

It had the same ability with spell and nail as myself while being far more fragile. It would attack if I was noticed until I changed the Kingsoul to Voidheart, and the Shade became passive, as did my Siblings.

Edited 2022-12-12 09:44 (UTC)

There are so many questions raised by everything they've just written. Lemm's about hitting the point where he'd be barking queries at the Knight one by one, probably in a tone that suggested he vastly disapproved of every answer. What do you mean it attacked you! And your Siblings? You're putting Greenhorn and hostile in the same thought? You're telling me if you were injured enough there'd be a good chance of a hostile Lord of Shades roaming Hallownest? Ad nauseum, keep demanding until he pushed them too far and both of them had a nice spat over it and he'd get plenty of time alone to think it all through.

He strokes a hand down his beard and stares off at the floor, grounding himself carefully. He doesn't want that. Neither of them want that. He will have to let the anxious knot in his chest just sit there.

Small steps, then: first, the Knight is not convincing enough.

"Husks were never the only danger in Hallownest and we both know it," he scolds, mindful not to raise his voice or snap like he wants to. "If we're working together on this history project of ours I'll need you to be clearer. You'll do no dying over this, Knight. Now that I know it's possible I'm setting a rule."

Edited (pedantic phrasing) 2022-12-12 10:17 (UTC)

The Knight turns to look at him, actually taken back, though reflecting leaves them uncertain as to why.

I don't expect I will. I have yet to since ascending, even to threats that may have in the past.

I will not risk death for this project unless not doing so would result in yours.

"Not even then!"

The knot twists sharply, and Lemm recoils from his own outburst. He'd promised himself he wouldn't snap. He couldn't help it, they pushed him, suddenly it became so important that...

Ah. He thinks he might get it, actually - why they've been upset with him before.

"...No," he says, very careful now and far quieter. "You won't be flippant about that just because it's not final for you, Knight. We'll... We'll both just have to be very careful. Plan ahead. Come prepared. Mind where we go. I..." don't want to have to watch that either. "...Give me a moment, please. I'm sorry for losing my head. A moment?"

The Knight sets up immediately in challenge. Literally, as they were crouched, now they're standing straight and glaring as though he is about to attack.

But he asks for a moment. This is reasonable.

They give a jerky nod, and wait only until he's not staring directly at them to continue their thoughts.

Yes, then. I'll recover. You can't. This knowledge is not flippancy.

We are already planning. We are preparing. That is what this is for, to be careful and safe.

I don't believe this is likely to be necessary. But I refuse to swear a fool's oath on the chance that it is. You would not be the first ally in this kingdom I have had die at my side, and if I can prevent it, you will not be another no matter the physical consequence to myself.

Edited 2022-12-12 10:59 (UTC)

He's shaking a bit. They don't have to worry about being stared at any more, because he can't even make eye contact, he's just fidgeting and casting about for something else to look at. He needs to go for a walk.

But he waits, as he is beginning to think he always will, for the Knight to finish speaking.

"...I know all of this. You don't have to tell me what I..." This is cut off by a frustrated little growl, and he shakes his head roughly. They're letting him go. So he'll go. "Thank you," he belatedly course-corrects, stiff as a board.

The guilt at begging so much more of their patience - especially when he's tested it so badly before - is only a hair less important than what he needs it for right now. Lemm turns and strides straight for the door and disappears out into the hall.

His footsteps are brisk, but they won't take him far before turning abruptly around and heading the other way. It will be clear enough he's not walking anywhere with intent, he's just... walking.

They don't like how everything's spiralled so quickly. They don't like having have told him. They don't like watching him tremble as he hadn't when he had watching a Goam tear its way from the roof above him. They don't like any of this.

They understand they're afraid on some level, but of what is so nebulous they can't get a grasp on it.

The Knight listens enough to make sure he's not about to flee from the Mansion itself, as they might have done in positions reversed. They'd feel off not shadowing him back to at least the Resting Grounds.

When it's clear he's not, they turn back to their self-decided task of organization, on the bed and around it.

It's something to do that isn't tearing the entire room to shreds.

Edited 2022-12-12 11:46 (UTC)

Lemm's head is spinning, and his insides feel like they're being squeezed unpleasantly tight by some invisible force. When he mindlessly reaches for a door to try, he almost misses the handle. His feet keep taking him in and out of rooms.

Why now?

After all this time - if he's honest, it's been his lifetime, why is it only after he's become so jaded and difficult and misanthropic-? Why is this happening now, after he's forgotten how to try? It's not fair on the Knight. Life's not fair, but he is trying very desperately to make sense of it. He needs to do better. Needs to at least get this part right, and he'll need words for that, and right now they won't untangle themselves.

He paces along past the paintings, staring up at them without really looking at them, lingering only for a moment on the sketch with a suggestion of the Vessel that should not be there.

The facts: the Knight has shared so much with him. Expects him to finish the work he started, so that others can know. And expects so little else - it seemed that way at first, but there are times he thinks they might have expected better of him since. More fool them. He's a ridiculous, bad-tempered old crank and they knew that going in. And they care-

(Lemm misses his footing on a step and grabs tightly to the handrail, all of the restless energy leaving him at once. He lowers himself into a seated position on the steps and resigns himself to staying there a while.)

- they care about him, anyway. Like he cares, like there's a nasty lurch in his chest when he considers the possibility of having to witness the Knight die, and that's with the understanding they'd be back. The Knight doesn't want him dead either, they told him so the first time they had a proper conversation...

No, more than that, much more than that, it's not that they just don't want him dead. It's that they would be upset. If Relic Seeker Lemm left, or went missing, or died, someone would notice he was gone.

It's a far longer time than he expected before he's able to rally himself and traipse slowly back to the Knight. He'll stand in the doorway first, just to make his presence known. A half-hearted little wave to get their attention and let them know he's back. Mentally he's back too. Thanks for waiting. He hopes they're not too angry with him, because this is going to be difficult.

They're not going to follow him. The urge grows, but they would dislike it if Lemm did the same when they needed a moment that became more.

They keep to the papers. It becomes organized in the barest sense of the word, with each rectangle moved to a stack and the stack into a row with barely a thought given to their contents.

He probably isn't going to call things off. It would be counterproductive to his studies. He wanted to be here. Was excited to be here. Isn't right now.

They'll be fine. They should tell him that. They go to their own paper, time and time again, only to put it back with a start of I or Don't without anything else more to add, not knowing how to continue. Discussing their literally-countless deaths prior to his learning this knowledge will not reassure, though the Knight wishes as much. A rare time they wished an ally had lashed out in advance, so they could've got this over with a Journal to the skull the first time they visited the City, so fragile compared to now.

The entire bed is covered in rows, neatly spaced apart. They hopped down at some point without thought to work on some of the papers nearest, and the whole thing's now framed with a couple rows on the floor as well, with the Knight standing and staring at the foot of it as though braced to rip through the near-flawless light-colored surface.

Their head snaps around to look at Lemm once he's finally, finally come back. They leap up to the bed, to be a closer height to him, and wait for the next move.

Tempting as it is to give in to nerves and say nothing, waiting any longer wouldn't be good for either of them - and he thinks the Knight's patience has been stretched far enough. So he takes a deep breath, steels himself, and gets to explaining himself.

...He should probably start with an apology.

"I'm sorry for snapping at you. It seems I've been a fool for a while now and it - I realised a few things that went to my head. Hit a raw nerve. I told myself I wouldn't raise my voice at you again, but here we are. I don't expect you to forgive me this time, either, but I'm very sorry. I hope you'll... understand where an old bug is coming from."

They probably haven't been sitting on the same thought as he has, their mind wanders, he should clarify...

Lemm casts about looking for the Knight's handwriting amid the neat stacks of papers, stepping further into the room. He finds what he's looking for quickly enough - Lemm is as attuned to the look of their writing now as he is to his own - and warily he approaches the bed and gestures to their note.

"I knew you'd had losses, and you don't want more. That I understood. Anyone could understand that. But I didn't understand - I didn't think you meant me. I mean, not... anyone else. Agh, I'm not explaining this very well."

He'd like to sit, but he needs to get this out of the way first. It is as terrifying as facing the Lord of Shades the last time. Maybe worse? That might be pushing it, but Lemm's fears are a little uncommon in priority. He waits a bit, just to see if any of this is landing at all. They'd seemed furious with him.

An apology, easier than ones before. This alone settles them somewhat. Not nearly all the way, but somewhat. In the long run, they don't much care about the volume Lemm rises to when he's displeased with them. The important part is over what he's displeased by, and whether or not it's warranted. Being bothered that they would be harmed in his place is not a strange concept; risking his own brief life for what amounts to a painful inconvenience is a pointless concept.

Though this changes to a different form of distress. While they barely change position but leaning slightly forward, the Knight's black stare bores in as he keeps going, disbelieving. Hurt.

Yes you.

They write this and try to write more, but there's nothing else they can add without his continuing, so they give up with nothing more than a few disconnected lines they cross out. Yes, you, Lemm. They don't understand his lack of understanding.

Edited 2022-12-12 20:54 (UTC)

That does shame him. He winces and looks away to gather himself.

"I hadn't realised," he tells them. "Ugh, but I reacted badly to the thought of you being... hurt. I'll admit that. I - that didn't do me any favours! But it - I get it, now, or I hope I do. This will be a pointless little chat otherwise, and very embarrassing for me."

No, no more excuses, just - make it plain.

"I wouldn't be the first ally in this kingdom to die at your side, you said. I'm sorry."

Lemm unloops his bag from his shoulder and dumps it on the floor, and turns to sit with a huff of total resignation. The bed sinks, and he automatically snaps a hand out to save a stack of papers they'd organised from slipping off, pulling them back on autopilot. Wouldn't be right to undo their work.

"Well, you'd be the first." He's unable to look up. "For me you'd be the first, and not even for something so extreme. I don't have that to go on, Knight, I hope you can understand why I..." A light cough. "I wasn't thinking. I just don't want you to go through anything painful on my behalf. I feel all rotten about it."

The Knight is motionless as Lemm explains. His sitting down would have jarred them if they weren't listening too hard not to automatically adjust.

Knowing isn't the same as experiencing. Knowing intellectually isn't the same as understanding.

The hurt lingers yet. They wonder what he truly thought of their horror and rage and fear, when they fled from his shop the last time. Why they came back as his plea. Why they keep coming back--but this is enough for them to comprehend Lemm's responses here and now. That he hasn't had someone to swear taking injury on his behalf...isn't a surprise, nor necessarily grim. Theirs is a unique position.

Reassurance should come next. In the kingdom that's torn them apart in every way before they put themselves back together, any would feel like lies.

The Knight slips over to Lemm's side, settling down close enough to brush wing against shell.

None of it feels quite right. Not because of the Knight, they're being far too understanding. It feels worse because of it.

The Knight moves - Lemm stiffens, not willing to let a full shiver wrack him in the middle of an important conversation, though it worms its way through him unacknowledged and spurs him to go on.

"I didn't know it'd matter that it was me," he says quietly. "I just thought you deserved to have someone to look to. All I'm used to doing is living through other people's stories, and all of them dead. It felt - I felt like I was... part..."

He bows his head, not in their occasional mutual nod but away from them. It's just shame, burning just hot enough to keep him from reaching out.

"Didn't think I was, though. Just liked feeling that way. I never thought about what I was doing, overlooking you like that. Do you understand? I'm sorry."

The Knight is still for a time. Not entirely. Their tiny fidgets are present while they stare blankly at the papered floor they haven't got to chance to look at, absorbing this.

It fits with what they already know. The Relic Seeker alone in a city of the dead, encountering none more than once, few encounters often leaning towards the brusque and unpleasant.

~~You are l~~ You're used to being overlooked, and overlooked me at the same time. You expected me to see you ~~as a sha~~ as part of the background, if I'm understanding this correctly, and you're now aware this isn't true.

This is a summary of what Lemm has said from their own view, but this is something that they both agree upon needing to be clear.

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