Lemm's head is spinning, and his insides feel like they're being squeezed unpleasantly tight by some invisible force. When he mindlessly reaches for a door to try, he almost misses the handle. His feet keep taking him in and out of rooms.
Why now?
After all this time - if he's honest, it's been his lifetime, why is it only after he's become so jaded and difficult and misanthropic-? Why is this happening now, after he's forgotten how to try? It's not fair on the Knight. Life's not fair, but he is trying very desperately to make sense of it. He needs to do better. Needs to at least get this part right, and he'll need words for that, and right now they won't untangle themselves.
He paces along past the paintings, staring up at them without really looking at them, lingering only for a moment on the sketch with a suggestion of the Vessel that should not be there.
The facts: the Knight has shared so much with him. Expects him to finish the work he started, so that others can know. And expects so little else - it seemed that way at first, but there are times he thinks they might have expected better of him since. More fool them. He's a ridiculous, bad-tempered old crank and they knew that going in. And they care-
(Lemm misses his footing on a step and grabs tightly to the handrail, all of the restless energy leaving him at once. He lowers himself into a seated position on the steps and resigns himself to staying there a while.)
- they care about him, anyway. Like he cares, like there's a nasty lurch in his chest when he considers the possibility of having to witness the Knight die, and that's with the understanding they'd be back. The Knight doesn't want him dead either, they told him so the first time they had a proper conversation...
No, more than that, much more than that, it's not that they just don't want him dead. It's that they would be upset. If Relic Seeker Lemm left, or went missing, or died, someone would notice he was gone.
It's a far longer time than he expected before he's able to rally himself and traipse slowly back to the Knight. He'll stand in the doorway first, just to make his presence known. A half-hearted little wave to get their attention and let them know he's back. Mentally he's back too. Thanks for waiting. He hopes they're not too angry with him, because this is going to be difficult.
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Why now?
After all this time - if he's honest, it's been his lifetime, why is it only after he's become so jaded and difficult and misanthropic-? Why is this happening now, after he's forgotten how to try? It's not fair on the Knight. Life's not fair, but he is trying very desperately to make sense of it. He needs to do better. Needs to at least get this part right, and he'll need words for that, and right now they won't untangle themselves.
He paces along past the paintings, staring up at them without really looking at them, lingering only for a moment on the sketch with a suggestion of the Vessel that should not be there.
The facts: the Knight has shared so much with him. Expects him to finish the work he started, so that others can know. And expects so little else - it seemed that way at first, but there are times he thinks they might have expected better of him since. More fool them. He's a ridiculous, bad-tempered old crank and they knew that going in. And they care-
(Lemm misses his footing on a step and grabs tightly to the handrail, all of the restless energy leaving him at once. He lowers himself into a seated position on the steps and resigns himself to staying there a while.)
- they care about him, anyway. Like he cares, like there's a nasty lurch in his chest when he considers the possibility of having to witness the Knight die, and that's with the understanding they'd be back. The Knight doesn't want him dead either, they told him so the first time they had a proper conversation...
No, more than that, much more than that, it's not that they just don't want him dead. It's that they would be upset. If Relic Seeker Lemm left, or went missing, or died, someone would notice he was gone.
It's a far longer time than he expected before he's able to rally himself and traipse slowly back to the Knight. He'll stand in the doorway first, just to make his presence known. A half-hearted little wave to get their attention and let them know he's back. Mentally he's back too. Thanks for waiting. He hopes they're not too angry with him, because this is going to be difficult.